i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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