she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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