Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had sex on a roof
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
