Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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