His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
