The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
