i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
