The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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