the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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