It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Randomize
