Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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