this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
His hands were made for my vagina.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
