everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
