I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
