The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
