my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
