so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm passing your future prison.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
