What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
