The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
