Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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