Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
