You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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