I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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