i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
