toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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