Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
