Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
