the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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