No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
