Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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