I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
