I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize