Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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