Sponge bath it is.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
