Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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