I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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