Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she smelled like a LAN party
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
