If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
