i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
