I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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