I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dick very happy bro
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
