there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
