Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
