i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
