and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
