Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
PANTIES FOUND
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