Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
