I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
