I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
