Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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